Don’t deny it. We all have it to some degree, somewhere deep within our psyche is the thought, “I’m not supposed to be here”, “I don’t deserve to be here”, or “I’m not good enough”. Imposter syndrome affects us all in large or small ways, whether we care to admit it or not. I’ve coached on it directly and indirectly with every client that I’ve had the privilege to coach with. It’s tied to the not good enough wound and the shame of being ourselves and it can keep us from reaching our goals and robbing us of our life dreams.
When I started to broach the subject of imposter syndrome in business groups as a business coach, many related to it as good ole, faking it to make it, something that business owners and entrepreneurs have been familiar with since the day they went into business. There is an element of faking it to make it in most business endeavors. How else would we dare to do something that we’ve never done before until we’ve done it enough times to feel legitimate in our experience and skills. Still faking it to make it, while related, is not imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome often catches up to us even after we have already made it. It’s the fear or belief that we don’t belong where we currently are. That our journey to get here wasn’t legitimate and or we don’t have the fortitude to stay.
I can remember when I first moved into my dream house with my husband. We really had to stretch to qualify and there were months of waiting before we closed and moved in. This dream house was much bigger and prettier than anything I’d ever lived in before. Our furniture didn’t fit, and our neighbors had vehicles that cost more than my first house. I began to feel like I didn’t really belong in this beautiful house. As I sat silently in my imposter syndrome, I imagined that someone would one day come know on our door to give us notice that we didn’t belong and we’d be banish us from our dream. I knew that this feeling was kinda silly most of the time. Yet I rode it for months until I started to notice these thoughts, I mean really noticed this conversation within myself that I’d been trying to ignore. It was this awareness of my thoughts and my inner dialog of imposter syndrome that woke me up and helped me realize that this feeling was all in my head and that perhaps I could change my mind.
Imposter can be a saboteur that rides the waves of our unconscious mind. We keep it mostly in our subconscious mind because there is deep shame attached to it and shame is a pain we prefer not to feel too deeply. Brene Brown says that, “ shame can’t survive the light of sharing its pain with another” and I believe that to be true. When I talk about Imposter Syndrome in group settings there is always a brave few that say, “Oh ya, I hate feeling like I don’t belong where I’m at”. I continue to talk about Imposter syndrome because in sharing it I am taking Brown’s advice and shining a light upon it, so that we can start to recognize that we are not alone in our feeling that we don’t belong. Once you recognize that Imposter Syndrome isn’t unique to you and that perhaps everyone has it, then you start to feel less alone and it starts to normalize. It’s this awareness that to have imposter syndrome is to belong to the human condition, that turns the volume down of the burden we carry. Then you start to explore it and even ask questions. Where did this come from, why do I feel this way. What is it trying to tell me and can I get rid of it?
I believe that we can work past our imposter syndrome, with three steps.Step one, recognize it. The trick is to gain awareness of this inner dialog, it likes to be sneaky and live in the dark away from our awareness of how it is affecting our confidence. Step two: accept that when you question your belonging, you are participating in a very human experience. It’s our desire to belong that connects us to each other, so share this fear with someone that you trust. I promise you that the person that you share it with, will be able to relate and will often have their own story of imposter syndrome to share back to you. Step three is accepting that questioning our belonging is a part of who we are. It wants our attention, it wants to have a voice, It wants to have its concern brought into the light so that it can heal. As one of my coaches used to say, feeling like an imposter is an invitation for you to do the work of creating awareness, giving it a voice and sharing your stories so that it can find acceptance and belonging within yourself.